- Hurry up, boss... you see what time it is?! - We're there.
Everyone... hands to the wall!
- Tell me, Albert... - Scram!
Where's Fredo?!
Through there! Down the end.
You were told to get against the wall!
Come on, sweetheart... You too! Come on... hop to it!
Shit, it's Tanquerelle!
Superintendent Tanquerelle!
So, Fredo, back in town?
Paris and your old girlfriend been missing you?
So what might we have here?
Castor sugar! Were we going to take tea?
Chief... Chief!
We'd better get over there. Seems it's getting dramatic!
Fuck it! Get this lot locked up!
Take them in!
Hurry up... come on!
Hello, mum!
Hi!
Everyone's waiting for you, Lise... What were you doing?
Paperwork.
You take it.
Here's the bride!
Come on... sit down.
Have you really thought this over?
Of course I have!
Over to you, your worship.
My dear friends, it gives me great pleasure today...
...to unite a police superintendent...
...and a professor of Greek!
What couple could be better-matched
...who descend the courthouse steps together...
...to climb those of the Parthenon!
Superintendent Tanquerelle will now be known as Superintendent Lemercier.
Should the police ever need to enter the Sorbonne...
this will only be on her husband's arm.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6. That's it!
You have to be smart about it!
Make sure your wife understands what motivates us.
Show Greece to her in all its glory.
Trust me... I'm quite sure she'll be blown away.
She'd rather be sunbathing in the Seychelles...
...but coconuts don't do anything for ME.
You know your honeymoon can affect you for the rest of your life.
Be sure to make the most of it!
You told me, that with dad, it was...
It was our luck to have 15 days of rain.
It was unforgettable... unforgettable!
SOMEBODY'S STOLEN THE THIGH OF JUPITER
I'd never have felt, as I did in front of the Acropolis entrance,
...a physical reaction to the beauty of the world...
and the need to keep a big part of our lives
...to experience all that's beautiful.
You should have brought something warm.
Behave yourself now, Lise...
...because we are in the presence of the Homeric and the sublime.
Picture this enchanting bay, covered with galleys...
...and hordes of Asian barbarians...
...in this case, Persians...
...but don't repeat it to anyone else...
...mounting an assault on the town...
...where the last of the defenders have just succumbed.
So, the women, the children, and the elderly...
...have no other recourse but to demolish the walls of their city...
...to throw stones at the attackers.
That's enough of that!
We'd better find a different view!
That was dumb, wasn't it?!
Very sorry! You're French?
French, and an archaeologist.
With the Grouillard mission, I suppose.
Yes, but they all left 6 months ago.
I stayed... I like to finish whatever I've started.
- Bravo. - I'll leave this town...
...when it's revealed all its secrets to me.
I was just telling my wife about the Siege of Heraklios...
...when people have pulled down the walls with their bare hands.
What are you laughing at?
That ridiculous idea!
I've read that too, in that book by that fool, Lemercier.
Can you imagine women and kids
scratching out 7-ton blocks with their nails?!
If you have a better explanation... out with it!
It's very simple...
The town was destroyed by an earthquake.
If that moron had come out here...
...instead of writing his book at the Sorbonne...
...he would've understood!
That MORON, sir... is ME!
My husband... Antoine Lemercier.
Mr Lemercier?
Professor.
Master!
The moron says you're full of shit.
And the master leaves you to it, sir.
You might've worn shoes!
I've been walking all day. My feet are swollen.
Did you notice my cornflower?
It's so funny... You come out saying beautiful things
when you see 3 stones...
But when it comes to an intimate moment... your inspiration vanishes.
6, 7.
So what's that?
A powerful aphrodisiac!
I've been taking them for 5 years... goodness knows why.
Memories, no doubt!
I don't know myself.
I should sleep on the right side.
Let's try every position, Antoine.
You're a wild one!
Good evening... What's the Thessaly lamb?
It's cooked in its own fat...
with fritters in syrup and honey.
But you can add almonds and semolina.
Can it come with extra sugar?!
I'll ask.
You're going to get told off again!
Here's the sole survivor of the Grouillard mission!
I may very well slap his face.
Professor... Mrs Lemercier... I've come to apologise.
And I take the liberty of asking you to accept this, madam.
If it's a gift... put it down there!
Oh, Antoine!
That's very kind... What is it?
I don't know what you'll think of it.
- Oh... an ashtray. - Not exactly.
It's damaged, but it doesn't matter.
It's a good thing it's broken, otherwise...
...under what you call an "ashtray"...
...which is actually a breastplate from the 5th century...
...there'd be the torso of a horseman, and under it, a horse.
And behind that horse, the entire cavalry
of the raging Xerxes...
...storming across the plains of Macedonia!
That's exactly right! You're extraordinary!
Sometimes.
I really don't know how to thank you.
Well, sit down, Mr...
I don't know your name.
Charles-Hubert Pochet.
Hyphenated, and then "Pochet", P-O-C-H-E-T.
So, take a seat, Mr. Pochet.
No! Yes! No, ...Yes...
Just for 2 minutes, because...
My wife and I want to have you to dinner tonight.
Some other night perhaps.
I told Agnès... that's my wife... what happened...
I said it was "Professor Lemercier"...
"What?... Professor Lemercier?!", she said.
Really?
She didn't say... "What?... MRS Lemercier?"
Yes, she DID say... What, Mrs Lemercier?"
I can still hear her saying it!
It's there... 1st on the right.
- That's on the left! - I always get mixed up.
This is not my day.
Though if you were coming down, it would be right.
- So here it's left. - No, that's right.
- Oh, yes. - You don't know the difference.
I've never been able to.
Excuse me...
Sweetheart? Ah, sweetheart.
- My wife... this is the Lemerciers. - Good evening.
Good evening.
You have a pretty house.
Do you think so?
Yes, it's sweet... and there's plenty of room.
There were 18 of us in here 6 months ago.
They've all left. Except for Mr Pochet.
The obstinate one. The fanatic.
- Are you right for dinner? - You can just go to the restaurant.
- What are you doing? - Going out.
- Who with? - Does it matter? Friends.
But I'm with Mr and Mrs Lemercier.
I couldn't care less!
- We'll leave this to you to work out! - It'll be fixed, now!
But, Agnès, when I went out, you said you'd get dinner.
I come back... there's no dinner. What happened?
When I was looking for a can of peas on top of the buffet...
...guess what I came across! Read that!
My request for nomination to the Ecole du Louvre.
Yes, it's his request.
He never sent it. He's happy here.
A digger... earning a pittance!
Digging for what? Eh?... Look at this collection of junk!
You'll finish up in a flea-market, not the Louvre.
I think you're being a bit harsh.
There are 2 or 3 things there, not without merit.
Those? What would YOU know about it?!
The best guests know when to leave!
Out of the question.
Tradition requires, as you must already know...
...that when you enter a Greek home...
Please sit down.
...you receive an offering of pepper and salt.
- I love this sort of thing! - Where the hell's the bread!
I told you, didn't I?! He can't find anything.
He can dig up the Peloponnesian peninsular...
...but he can't find the fucking bread.
There's the bread.
Now I can't find the salt.
I always put things where they belong!
She's put the cat food on my Mycenaean plate!
I'm fed up with your bits of junk!
I want something unbreakable... Plastic!
- You beast! - What a bitch!
You're going to really regret that!
Don't you dare touch me!
Hey, that was my knee!
Stop it... you're hurting me!
You're a beast!
Do you think he knocked her out?
I don't think so.
Now keep going left!
Stop it!
Aristotle?
Aristotle!
Antoine? Would you sign this postcard... It's for mummy.
Yes, love to!
"Beautiful weather. It's not serious". What do you mean by that?
Just a little private joke.
You sign yourself "Tony" now?
Yes, I sign "Tony".
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
Poor old Pochet... Get a load of that!
Poor guy.
In my investigations at Saint-Cloud...
...there was a girl just like her.
Just as well built?
Carbon copy... but the men sure go for it.
Professor!
Professor... Eureka!
It's wonderful!
It's the best day of my life! Eureka!
Agnès!
It's fantastic!
Gently!
[Greek]
Oh, it's beautiful!
Agnès!
Look at this!
Take it up!
Good on you, kiddo!
Cut that out!
Doesn't digging up statues bring bad luck?
Why would it do that?
- Tutankhamen... all those people dying. - Just fairy stories!
Well, I have a bad feeling about it.
It's not my imagination... I've got goose bumps.
Here... feel my arm!
Yes, you do! That's really odd!
- I've got an amazing cream for that. - Really?!
Pull gently... It's very precious.
Pull towards the right... The left!
There... straight up... slow... up.
Let go!
What did I tell you?!
Don't move, my pet, I'm coming!
He must be injured.
Always searching where you shouldn't be.
Wait, sweetie, I'm coming!
I'd go for the school of Praxiteles.
- Praxiteles? - Yes.
Although there's a certain eroticism
in the movement of the hand, which bothers me.
- But Leochares, anyway. - Leochares!
- Agnès... - Oh, my sweetie pie!
Take it easy!
That's nice, but it's really not the time!
- You're going to be rich. - Rich? Why?
The statue's worth a lot.
You can sell it to Americans, in Istanbul.
- How much? - $2,000.
What am I saying?... $10,000, $20,000!
Wow!
Oh... I'm in pain!
- I'm coming, sweetie pie! - It really hurts!
- No! - That's hurting me more!
I'm not going to die!
It's not true... This is insane!
It's always the same!
At least take care with the statue!
That's hurting me!
- I want to see it. - Yes.
It's great!
[- To your health! - Cheers!]
Here's the telegram I'm sending to Grouillard.
"Your assistant, Mr. Pochet, does honour to the School of Archaeology, stop.
"Uncovers Aphrodite fragment from 5th century BC, stop."
- "Fraternally yours, Lemercier." - I'm overwhelmed... thank you!
If this doesn't do it...
...you'll never get any academic accolades.
Tell me, sweetie pie...
Wouldn't that be a good idea?
Why?
If you declare the statue...
...it can never be sold.
Sell Aphrodite?! Never!
- So, what do you want to do with it? - She'll go to The Louvre.
With a plaque... "Donated by Charles-Hubert Pochet".
In copper.
I'll be the one who discovered Aphrodite's buttocks!
Well, you'd better choose between Aphrodite's buttocks...
...and your wife's!
What do you mean by THAT?!
I want to go home to La Rochelle, see mummy, go to the movies...
...and buy a car. So there!
- Oh, Agnès, you do disappoint me! - Too bad!
- So much the better! - Come back here immediately!
No!
- I said "here"! - No way!
- So your leg's OK? - YOU pipe down!
- You come with me! - Let me go!
- Come here!
- Help me! - You're a wicked little trollope!
- Don't kill him! - My leg!
Ah! My leg!
I think that was just Round 1!
- What was that? - Nothing... it was just a fly.
A fly. A little fly!
Oh... a fly.
So, let's see... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.
We're missing the small yellow one... No... there it is!
There's still that little one.
I put it in the blue suitcase.
Keep calm, my dear!
Your toothbrush is in its bag, which is in the carry-bag...
...which is in the blue suitcase. - I'm most relieved!
And my tartan jacket?
- My "peel", as you call it. - It was left behind.
Hi! Pochet! We're leaving!
- Professor! You wouldn't believe it! - Believe what?
- Aphrodite's disappeared! - Good God!
Someone stole it from us last night. We didn't hear a thing!
- My wife's most upset. - I'll bet she is!
- What do you mean? - Goodbye!
Goodbye!
Goodbye, Pochet!
- Good luck! - Thanks for everything!
Rather than rushing about like that, he should be questioning his wife.
He'd get it back much quicker.
The reason being...?
Your piece of rock is worth money.
And the little girl wants a car.
Maybe there's no connection.
But then... I don't give a damn!
Where was I up to?
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Still one missing.
Is HE a porter? He looks funny.
I'll do a recount... 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
- Now I've one too many. - THAT is funny!
As a bachelor, you had 40 rather dashing years...
...now, married, you're turning into an old fuddy-duddy!
One can wallow in debauchery, and still like to be organised!
You may have led me astray, but you won't get me disorganised.
- What would HE be doing here? - ...and 7!
...and 8! Where are YOU off to?!
I'll be back!
Something's bothering me... but it fits the picture.
Damn it all, what's going on here?... 1, and a 2...
According to a relative of mine, who's in the police force...
...you're headed for big trouble.
You'd be better off killing a rich schmuck, than trying to get away with this.
Stealing heritage items carries the maximum sentence.
I'm not stealing anything.
Mrs Pochet wants a sales valuation...
I'm just going to show it to an expert.
Would you go and drown yourself, if Mrs Pochet asked you to?
Mrs Pochet's really got something, hasn't she!?
Every woman's got SOMETHING!
Alright... But may I ask who you're seeing?
Hermann Von Blankenberg... the top expert. He knows about all this stuff.
Goodbye, madame.
Lise! I can't find the bag with my slippers.
Look!
Zeus almighty! Aphrodite's bum!
This is too much! We have to let Pochet know.
Mr Pochet... telephone.
Hello... professor?!
I've got some good news for you... Your statue is here.
No, they stay here... those two stay here.
We're leaving again tomorrow... We won't be opening those two.
I don't care about that! You've found my statue?!
Yes, it was Aristotle... the tall handsome boy.
Aristotle?! I might've known! The bastard!
I'll kill him... I tell you, I'll kill him!
It's not the first time...
Tomorrow... Don't forget about breakfast.
7.15 exactly, please.
- Go and count the bags! - Sure.
You need to get here as quickly as possible.
Me?
Yes!... If you can do without your wife for a while!
Don't you like her?
I do... but she's not needed.
- I've got 9. - Eh?
Bags.
Charles-Hubert! Wait for ME!
I need to go to town!
You're not needed!
What are you talking about?!
The statue's been found!
We were walking along and right away
my wife recognised the colours on Aristotle's boat.
She's amazingly good at that sort of thing.
She's fearless, with a natural sense of command...
She would've made it in the army.
- She chose the police. - Obviously.
Not everyone has a choice. And she's so nice.
While I was getting our stuff together...
...she raced over here...
What happened to the boat?
Aristotle was right here.
- Not 2 hours ago. - Maybe he left in a taxi?
Sure! That's it!... He's gone to see the expert.
- Which expert? - A harsh-sounding sort of name.
- Schwartz. - It wasn't Hermann Von Blankenberg?
Yes.
- You know of him? - Do I ever?!
[We want to see Mr Blankenberg.]
[Give me a minute.]
It's very strange.
I speak classic Greek, and nobody understands me..
Greek's changed a bit since Pericles!
[Please, come in!]
[What is it?]
[Two Frenchmen are asking for you.]
- Dr Von Blankenberg? - Yes.
My name's Pochet, from the Grouillard mission.
And...?
I brought you a breastplate.
I've work to do.
I'll be brief...
This morning you received a man of bestial appearance.
- Nobody's come here. - Yes, this morning.
Don't touch that!
Are you still working as an expert?
No, I've finished with all that. No time.
We've been misinformed. May we use your phone?
You expect me to feed you as well?
Antoine!... Where are you?
With the Devil himself, in the country.
Wait... I can't hear a thing!
That's better.
This morning, didn't you say that Aristotle was going to see an expert?
What was the name again?
Von Blankenberg.
Exactly... that's it.
He lied to you.
He never came to Schwartzenberg's place.
Blankenberg!
We're screwed... We'll never find it now.
For once, luck was smiling at me.
It must be said, that my life's been a succession of misfortunes.
At 6 months old, I swallowed a pin.
I was selected for the basketball team at 12...
I had an X-ray... they saw the pin... kicked off the team.
I told myself things would turn around.
I found myself in the paratroops' brigade.
During rifle practice, I sneezed... and brought down a warrant-officer.
Unbelievable! 8 days in the lock-up.
I met my wife 4 years ago...
...in the prefect's office in La Rochelle.
It was all going to change. We didn't have any money...
...were of average appearance...
...but something clicked.
Agnès is the basis of everything.
My being here is thanks to her.
Stop!
- Aristotle? - Aristotle?
Anyone here?
Aristotle?
Oh, shit!
You really are a police superintendent!?
Back home, there ARE women police superintendents.
They say it's progress.
Thank you.
Will you be keeping them locked up for long?
Until we've finished our enquiries.
That seems crazy!
You can warn our embassy in Paris...
...threaten to intervene in high places...
...or maybe offer me some money, eh?
Just a Greek!
I'm amazed you aren't coming with glass beads!
Though we probably wouldn't accept them.
Joking aside, maybe we can get down to business!
I'd never make jokes about the Greeks.
Me, yes.
Besides, my husband is a famous French academic.
Being French is no excuse.
We never did anything to YOU.
Who stole the Venus de Milo, and the friezes of the Parthenon?
No! That was the English!
I hate THEM just as much!
God knows what you'd do to any Turk you brought in!
I see this case as being extremely straightforward...
...a crime of passion!
Mr Pochet had threatened to kill the victim.
One of our constables had witnessed that.
Maybe little Pochet is just quick to take offence!
All Frenchmen are quick to take offence... just like the Irish.
Are you sure you don't just dislike all foreigners?
What do you have against my husband...
apart from the fact he was born in Dordogne?
Absolutely nothing personal.
It is just that he held the unfortunate victim down...
...while Pochet did the slashing.
That's ridiculous!
What does your husband use to shave himself?
I know why you're troubled!
Come and view the carnage.
We don't hide anything in our country.
Justice follows its course.
That's not the case everywhere, is it?
You doubt my organization?
Everything here is classified, marked, listed.
You want Aristotle Serakis? That's easy.
Here he is.
[Incompetent! Incompetent!]
[Where is he? Incompetent!]
Here he is.
[Where did he end up?]
[I told you so!]
[No, I said he was in the other one!]
[-In here! - No, the other one!]
[I keep telling you...]
Superintendent! I think I've found him.
It's a very clean cut.
I don't know who did that... but it's the work of a professional.
- The coagulation rate? - Excellent.
You made a bacterial analysis?
- Yes, of course! - Oh, look...
The watch must have broken during the struggle.
6.03
- That's it. - 6 o'clock, 6,30...
No... 6.03 pm!
We know all that.
- You've a record of that. - Yes, we take records.
No, take note of this now.
I don't have a pen.
Here, I've got one.
- Do you have any paper? - No.
[A sheet!]
Now, that's enough with these questions.
I'm leading an investigation where everything's done just right.
Everything in its place... the women in their kitchens...
...and the ducks out fishing!
Ah! Mrs Lemercier!
What is it?
Forget about the oranges... There's no visits allowed.
- When do they get out? - They're not getting out!
What about your connections, though?
You're a cop, aren't you?!
I'm a French cop.
Here, it's just Greek police and Greek law.
They'll be tried by Greeks.
- Tried for what? - For murder!
Found at the scene of the crime, clutching the weapon...
...and with a strong motive!
- What motive? - YOU, my girl!
- ME? - Yes!
I'll go on a hunger strike!
You do that!
Wouldn't it be better to get them escape?
So, instead of going to court, we go to a funeral.
- All I'm saying is... - Nonsense!
That's not fair.. It's not MY fault!
I'm not the one who slept with Aristotle!
Aristotle is just a pal of mine.
To whom you gave the statue!
- Who told you that? - The deceased himself!
Do you know what I wanted to do with the money?
Buy a car!
No, an excavator!
So my sweetie could find lots of statues to buy cars with!
And when he gets out...
You just do whatever you want whenever you want...
As far as the dramas and reconciliations of the Pochet family are concerned...
Get going!
Hotel Olympia.
Hello... yes...
Get me 0786.
Odeon 0786... That's police headquarters.
Make it priority... thank you.
- Those bells there... - Yes, madam?
- Do they ring all the time? - Oh, no.
Only at 9 in the morning and 6 at night, for the church service.
- 6 in the evening? - Yes.
Well, at 6pm my husband was phoning me 30 km from here.
He couldn't have been at the harbour carving up a Greek sailor!
You understand?!
Oh, oh?? Oh!
So, you went straight to the boat?
Yes.
Come on then... Walk just as you did last night.
Were you already clutching the razor?
I never had that razor!
I've told you that!
We'll come back to that... Go on... Who went down first?
I let you go first.
You'll have me killed with your politeness.
Hold on now!
Agnès... you're insane!
I can't swim! Stop! Stop!
Quick... take the wheel!
Straight ahead!
Help! Stop! Stop!
It's OK... He's sinking!
Oh, you're so handsome!
Superintendent!
Everything's OK...
Your analysis of the case has been totally wrong.
My husband is innocent, and Pochet, too!
At 6,30pm, the time of the crime...
Prof. Lemercier and Mr Pochet, from the Grouillard mission...
...were in the country 30km from here...
...with a watertight alibi.
Here is the proof with this little priest...
...who rings the bells every evening at 6pm.
- Is that clear? - Yes.
Where's my husband?
- Where is he? - I don't know, madam!
- What's he doing? - He's escaping, madam.
He's escaping.
2 archaeologists murder Greek sailor.
In short, it's an extradition.
Let's say, at best, a homecoming.
- Your plane leaves at 6.30. - Can I get my luggage?
Our car's at your disposal.
I can take a taxi, unless that displeases the ambassador.
You don't need to go with me to my room?
I'm already doing a job I find distasteful.
I wasn't born to play at being a guard.
I'm not a cop.
Excuse me, superintendent.
Mrs Lemercier!
Get me Paris, Odeon 0786... Put it through to my room.
- How did you met your husband? - Mrs Lemercier?
Paris on the line.
That you, PJ? Tanquerelle here.
We're having great fun. The weather's wonderful.
Put me through to the chief.
Hello, sir...
Thanks for your intervention. I'm being tossed out like a common criminal.
I need 3 days with an international warrant.
I have a watertight alibi. What do you mean, "So what"?!
In the end, sir...
Oh! Someone's there!
Can I call you back?
Yoo-hoo!
Never fear... it's only me!
Good morning, Mrs Lemercier.
I'm pooped!
Totally!
Are you all completely mad?
No, we're not mad.
We're quite aware of what we're doing.
What is it?
Smile, Mrs Lemercier.
- Thanks... kind of you. - That's alright.
Whose brilliant getaway idea was that?
We didn't come here to be told off!
We found the solution: We go to the airport...
...find a plane, stick up a pilot... and off!
Away we go to Paris!
Well... And what do you the sticking-up with?
We thought about that.
There's a gun shop down the street.
So you do a smash and grab!
Good idea!
What have they changed?
The obvious solution will disappoint you...
Let's stop the fun and games.
At the time of the crime, you were at Von...
- Schwartzenberg's. - Blankenberg's.
He can testify... I'm calling him.
[Hello?]
I don't understand.
[No, he's just left.]
[He's at the station.]
[He's catching the train to Athens.]
[Thank you very much!]
He's at the station... He's leaving for Athens.
We have to get there!
Do we have time?
Can we force our way through?
You've see too many movies... we'll go over the roofs.
We'll all go over the roofs.
Quick!
- Me, too? - Of course... quickly... shit!
Is that a disguise, or are you just cold?!
Wait for me!
This is the last time I escape with YOU!
Yeah... OK...
Oh, my love!
Where do you think you're going, Pochet?
Careful... jump!
Where's Pochet? 1, 2, 3.
- Professor! - This way!
- Quick... there he is! - Your bag!
Come on, Lise.
You alright?
Please don't wait for me!
Take that off, so we're not so obvious, going out of the city..
You're right, Lise.
Turn right... There's the station.
- Schwartzenberg! - Mr Blankenberg!
Please, get off!
Listen to me, for God's sake!
Mr Schwartzenberg!
Shit!
We're fucked!
- Where is he? - He's gone.
We're done for!
The train stops at Megara... We'll catch up with him there!
Perfect timing!
We'll go and get a witness statement, together.
What do you think you're doing?!
You must be crazy, eh?
I order you to get out!
Understand?!
Stop this car immediately!
That's an order! 1st warning!
- For God's sake, shut up! - 2nd warning!
- He can't do that! - Antoine can disarm him.
Let go of me!
So... gun confiscated!
- You'll regret this! - But my wife's a genius!
She'll work it all out... You should be taking notes!
Look... there's the train.
Look... in that carriage!
Yes, it's the restaurant carriage!
- The guy in white? - Yes!
- Hurry up! - That's Schwartzenberg!
- Why did he do that? - He doesn't know you.
- You'll have to find another witness. - He couldn't have seen us properly.
- Turn left. - Is that the way?
I was born in this country!
Schwartzenberg!
- Give us a sign! - Mr Schwartzenberg!
Look out for the gate!
So, where are we now?!
Ask the superintendent.
Turn around.
That's it! We're passing it!
We'll get there before it!
Police! Open the barrier!
The barrier! The barrier!
Wait... I'll fix it.
You get that barrier up!
Come on... get to it!
That'll do!
Shit!
Raise it up!
- Raise it! - We'll have to push!
- Are you going to help? - I can't with my leg.
Look out! It's the train!
Shit!
You can stay... But I'm getting out.
- Lise, the train! - Stop!
Stop!
Get down!... It's going to explode!
My plaster's got caught!
Just free it, darling!
I'm going to lose my legs!
It's all part of life, old chap!
- I'll go... - No!
It's terrible... I got goose bumps from it.
- Feel them. - Oh, yes!
- That's very strange. - Oh, yes.
Thank you... But there was no danger.
Don't be so touchy! Come on!
We're running around in circles not knowing what we're doing.
I tell you... Pochet wasn't missed by much!
- Wasn't hurt? - Not at all.
Blankenberg... He's this way... follow me!
Aren't we going to report on this?!
Ssh!...Quiet!
This changes everything... Come with me.
Everything changes, superintendent.
The other witness, Blankenberg, is the murderer.
He said he'd never seen Aristotle.
Easy. He saw him, killed him... and stole the buttocks.
- Buttocks? - Do you know what that means?
I was wondering how you'd act under fire!
You are one of us, superintendent!
Get your badge out... we'll nick them!
My badge, my badge... where's my badge? I don't have my badge!
Please... let me do it!
You'll see Greek police shock tactics in action!
Watch... Do you do this in Paris?
1, 2, 3 and bang!
What time is it?
Ah, there you are!
Gosh, that was quite a tumble!
What's he doing?! Superintendent!
Superintendent... Don't be silly!
Please... André!
My hat!
André!
Look at me... I'm you're colleague!
Pi! Pi equals 3.14116.
- Bravo! Take a deep breath... - We have to interrogate some bad guys.
They stole the train!
He's obviously lost his marbles.
- Isn't that them? - Yes!
There they are! Lise!
- Oh, Lise! - Yes.
We absolutely must find Agnès, lieutenant.
- She has such prodigious breasts! - You're fantasizing... they're normal.
Attention, I hear horses!
We're done for!
- Where's my gun? - We'll get one from the pharmacy.
- Everything alright, Lise? - Quite alright.
One thing I don't understand...
- The crooked expert, Blankenberg. - Schwartzenberg.
No, Blankenberg.
To kill a man for a fragment of marble... that's beyond me.
Quiet! Listen!
- What is it? - It hasn't worked out.
He says you're the brains of the gang...
...that you cut Aristotle's throat and abducted the superintendent.
We weren't mentioned.
Listen. This gentleman's police colleagues want the murderer...
...if they can manage it.
From tonight, the Lemerciers will be resuming their honeymoon activities.
Agnès, stop at the next village.
Good evening, gentlemen...
May I entrust you with a police superintendent?
I assure you that's what he is.
You just put him to bed for me, and tomorrow he'll be operational!
He can milk the goat, sweep the yard...
Sorry, I must be going...
'Bye, André. See you soon.
We'll get something to eat on the way... I'm hungry.
There's some eggplant!
You like eggplant?
Yes, but for 3 years... morning, and night...
With thinly-sliced potatoes. Do you have any potatoes?
No.
There are some kebabs.
Would your wife like kebabs? Mine is crazy about them.
We like them a lot...
But for 3 years, morning and night...
Ah, baklava! You can't tell me you don't like baklava.
We were blown away by them at first... but morning and night, for 3 years...
I dream of a grilled chop with green beans!
I'll take 4, plea...
Don't look back!
We'll have to surrender.
What are you waiting for? Can't you shoot?
I have to pee!
You can take a piss later, Pochet!
In a situation like this, you have to put on a brave face!
For God's sake, stand up straight! I can't!
Let's get out of here!
If they shoot at us, I'll shoot back. Careful!
Tell me, have you ever made love in the hay?
Do you find one minute each year, when you can think of anything else?
Good Friday... or when someone dies?
That's difficult with Hubert... He never gives me a moment's peace, I swear.
Some evenings I feel like reading or listening to music.
I'll bet!
Out of the question. I've tried everything.
Migraines, indigestion... Nothing stops him.
Even if he was dying, he'd try and jump me!
You wouldn't expect it from that little monkey, would you?!
With Prof. Lemercier, it'd be understandable!
- He's a giant! - A giant!
He is?... Oh!
Mind you, it will happen to us one day.
Eventually the routine sets in, with the ravages of time.
- Have you been married very long? - 4 days.
We are hungry! We are hungry!
Our photo's in the paper!
There's a photo of both of us in the paper!
This fire'd be visible for 10 km... Up here, we could be surrounded!
And if the wind turns, we could set fire to the barn!
Stop bellyaching!
She's right...
Stop being such a wet blanket, Pochet!
We're completely innocent!
We've got the best cop in Europe with us.
We're having an exciting time!
If they find us, they'll shoot us down like dogs!
They won't take me alive, whatever happens!
We need to hold out for months...
We'll all get fat, and they won't recognise us!
I don't know how you can just sit there and eat!
Alright, children... everyone off to bed!
Goody, goody, goody!
Antoine...
...have you ever made love in the hay?
We should organise a watch...
I propose that we take turns every quarter of an hour.
That'd be annoying... Let's say every hour.
I'll take the first watch.
Can I have your revolver?
- Here you are, my friend. - Thanks.
"My inn was under the Big Dipper,
"and stars in the sky rustled softly."
What are you doing?
Well, Charles-Hubert, we've been having some squabbles lately...
If you were to say... "I'll take you there, standing, fully dressed..."
It may not be what I like... but I wouldn't know how to say no!
- I'd forgive you. - Forgive me for what?
For wanting it like that!
- What was that? - It wasn't a cricket.
No, it's a grasshopper!
Oh, no!
Tomorrow... listen...
What was that?!
You have a go.
You need to aim at a cop's head... Here we'll just damage some cans.
Arms steady...
It's nice being in Antoine's arms, isn't it?
Come and join the game.
I loathe those things.
Come on, Mrs Lemercier... Have a go!
If you insist.
Good... I'll go and fix coffee.
Come and see this.
Look at that!
Go and fetch my bag, Agnès.
- What is it? - It doesn't mean anything to you?
- It's Aphrodite of Heraklios. - Yes!
- Meaning?! - God almighty!
- You're right... this fits in with... - With what?
With the fragment your husband found.
Look, Agnès.
The arm that fits in with the hand...
...on her hip.
- So where's this Aphrodite? - At the Acropolis Museum, in Athens.
Where was Blankenberg going?
To Athens!
We're on our way!
- Wake up! - What's going on?!
What's happening? Where are we going?
To Athens.
That's where the Athenians got to!
Don't YOU start, Charles-Hubert.
Okay, okay!...
I know what'll happen! I want all this to stop!
If we keep this car, we're going to have sirens after us.
Turn ours on, then.
What's happened?!
- It's just a poor old man. - I'll keep him from making trouble.
It's admirable, all the same.
For those of us who know... even more so!
Look at that... it's amazing... The hand fits perfectly.
Look.
- I'd like the original better. - What?!
- Is it a fake? - Not a fake, a copy.
- That's ridiculous! - A plaster copy.
In here? You're dreaming, professor! It's marble!
That's marble!
That's plaster!
That's marble.
That's plaster.
That's also plaster!
There's the proof!
Quick... we gotta scram!
Wait... stay with us!
Zacharias!
Lemercier!
- 20 years! - 30! The seminar in Aix.
I could quote his summing up of the conference...
- ...on the disconcert in mythology. - You're incredible!
Haven't I heard your name mentioned somewhere recently?
- Could I have seen you on TV? - No, I keep myself discrete when I travel.
- I know what you mean! - What are you doing here?
- I'm curator of the museum. - Congratulations!
- And what are YOU doing in Greece? - We're on honeymoon.
- Lise, my wife. - My very best wishes, madam!
Are you the one who broke this piece of garbage?
Yes. [-Clean that up!]
Zacharias, prepare yourself for a shock, old chap!
Lise... the photo.
Found 3 days ago by the Grouillard mission on Heraklios.
That's amazing... That's exactly the same one.
- Hence my disappointment at your copy. - Come with me.
I'll show you the original.
[The storeroom door!]
It's kept safe from the fanatics. If you knew what they are doing...
Some of them carve their name...
...others attack with hammers.
3 attempted thefts...
...and I won't even mention the sex maniacs.
Wait, I'll get us some light...
There.
Follow me...
Here... our strongroom.
Did you leave your fragment at Heraklios?
It was stolen there 3 days ago.
There was a death involved.
Stolen? A death?
The bastards! I'll give the alarm!
Come on... quick!
[Quick! Surround the theatre!]
[They've vanished.]
[-No, they must be around here. - Find them!]
We're not getting any closer to finding Blankenberg.
Good heavens, why would they, whoever they are...
...want to steal statues like that... to sell to whom?
To screwy billionaires.
A lot of works of art disappear every year.
Picassos are piled up in cellars, like we are.
Well, we're no masterpieces. I can't see our screwy billionaire...
...spending hours staring at us, in his bomb-proof cellar!
- Shall we take a peek? - Yes... give me a hand.
Oh, it's the Pochets!
No way, just now.
I left my cane at the museum.
- There they are! - Great! Come on!
- So glad to see you! - Me, too!
- Mr Lemercier! - Please call me "Antoine".
Okay, Antoine... That's enough!
Charles-Hubert, seeing you're a bit of a mole...
...how long can we last down here, before going crazy?
At Warsaw, people lasted underground for months.
- "But they were Poles", you'll tell me. - I think it's gone quiet.
They're just out there near the grates... If we stuck our nose out...
Do you remember last night at the market?
The steel of the rifles glinting in the sun when we were buying baklava.
Terrifying!
It comes down to 2 choices...
- We allow ourselves to be taken prisoner... - Never!
We cross the border illegally... So we'll need a smuggler.
Smugglers cost money. How much have you Pochets got?
- I've got 3... and 2... - What about you, Agnès?
As usual, I've got nothing.
- You didn't bring any money? - Where from? Have you had a raise?
Stop it! She gets all she wants. 5 years I've been working...
- 5 years I've been washing his shirts! - Don't start on this again!
Listen... we're happy to travel with you...
...but let's keep it peaceful...
...for once, when we're on holiday.
Anyway... Lise... How much have you got in your bag?
Shit!... My bag!
So... let us be precise...
You were sleeping.
And it is in the morning that you realized
someone had stolen a spear.
A spear?
[He's slowly coming to.]
[He understands he's a policeman, but he's still faltering.]
Excuse me.
Hello.
This is Antoine Lemercier.
I don't know what you may have been told...
...but it's all untrue. On my honour!
I must speak with you!
The feet, Lemercier. The feet!
What? The feet?
9 o'clock tonight... 18 Thalassa St.
The feet!
What do you mean by "feet"?
- Thanks for trusting me. - Just pull yourself together!
1,000 years from now, your razor job'll be forgotten!
I swear to you!...
News items don't come under my department!
Well...
Well, if you're going to take it that way...
- You have my bag? - Yes, here it is.
Watch carefully... An opera in 3 acts.
A veil is lifted on the past!
Act 1...
The bust that was stolen from me 3 hours ago.
Act 2...
Who are these young people?
Charles-Hubert Pochet, Grouillard mission, and my wife.
Honored to meet you, dear lady!
- Delighted. - So...
Act 2...
- What is it? - He draws well.
The buttocks...
...that were stolen from you 3 days ago.
Act 3...
Just a minute.
Ah... the feet!
End of Act 3.
What do you think about that?!
It's amazing!
I'm lost for words!
And I've got goose bumps!
Here... feel my arm!
- Ah, yes! - Strange, isn't it?
Yes, very strange.
Having the bust and knowing about the feet...
...why haven't they ever been brought together.
You can't connect the two end pieces without the middle bit.
We're only scholars...
...not video-game makers.
- Where are the feet? - The Monastery of Agios Defanos.
- Where's that. - In Thessaly, right up on top of a mountain.
Are they on the phone?
[What again?]
[Do you have the statue's feet? ...Yes.]
This morning someone offered to buy the feet.
[Who was it?]
[Yes.]
A very disagreeable man.
- BLAN... - SCHWAR...
[Thank you, bye! Bye, bishop!]
- He'll be back tomorrow evening at 8. - We're on our way!
"Not a linnet to poos"!
Don't YOU start, professor!
It'll look good in the encyclopaedia...
"POCHET, Charles-Hubert, 1949-1980...
"Intrepid archaeologist killed by Orthodox monks."
"Entombed at the Pantheon between Victor Hugo and Antoine Lemercier."
Agnès, remind me to arrange a place for you...
...next to me in the common grave!
- So what's happening now? - 2 rules for those on the run...
...never 2 nights in the same hotel...
...and change cars every 3 hours.
You coming, Agnès?
Oh, it's a Frenchman!
You don't say!
Is it an automatic?
- Ah, you're French! - Lise, it's an automatic.
Okay.
No gear changing... No window-winding...
The Acropolis... not bad... But Germaine and I were disappointed.
I'm a Lancia man to my grave!
Citroën, Peugeot... they're typically French.
My son has a Lancia, too.
I used to drive a Daf. We're going to do the islands now.
- So how does this work? - It's simple.
"Drive, one, two, reverse"... that means to go back.
Get out!
That means beat it!
- Oil, tyres, water? - All seen to!
- How much is it? - 12 drachmas.
- Why bother paying? - Old habits die hard.
- Don't tell... - No!
- Goodbye! - Thank you.
Excuse me, sir.
Raoul, I got some 'Nutsy', but they're out of 'Crunchy'.
My car's just been nicked, with my movie camera and my French cigarettes...
...and now she tells me there's no more 'Crunchy'!
Oh-oh!
Terror in the Balkans...
The Gang of 4 on the rampage in Greece.
The French ambassador authorises authorities
to arrest the Gang of 4...
The evil mind heading the team
is not ex-superintendent Lemercier...
the woman whose late-in-life marriage
must have affected her mentality...
nor Professor Lemercier, a sad example of the excesses
leading to the downward path of French universities...
nor Mrs Pochet...
...most probably a former prostitute...
...but certainly the sinister figure of Charles-Hubert Pochet...
...the bloodthirsty beast...
the razor-wielding murderer!
If you find that amusing, that's all that matters, isn't it?!
There's a mailbox!
- Aren't you sending any? - I haven't written any!
- Shit! - What is it?!
- By God, I'll let them have it! - Don't be an idiot!
Out of gear!
- Go right! - Go left, left!
Go left!
[-You see them? - No, no.]
We have to stop... the engine's overheating.
My vote for... Mrs Pochet!
You think that's normal?
Not at all. Normal will be when we return to Paris.
The office, the paperwork, and the overcast sky.
This is an extraordinary adventure in an extraordinary climate.
As for me... I've nothing extraordinary.
I should've married a mousy little girl from the post office.
I had a great opportunity. She was in the postal-cheques section...
Fremicourt St.
Really mousy!
I'll never find one like her.
Come and have a swim... that'll cheer you up.
You think that could cheer me up?!
I think I'm too far gone.
You're no fun to be with on the run!
I've written to mummy...
Will you sign it, too?
But we don't care!
But come on in for a swim, Lise.
You two just relax!
Is that too hard?
Do you hear me complaining?
Isn't that better?
I wonder where this'll lead.
Agnès!
Goodbye, Agnès.
I'm going to give myself up to the police.
- What's he on about? - Something about the police.
Hubert!
Pochet!
Charles-Hubert, wait for me!
Charles-Hubert!
- Agnès! - Come off it, Charles-Hubert!
[Okay, up!]
Your excellency! Reverend!
Come down... I have to talk to you!
Get back, you accursed woman!
It's very serious!
Come down, your worship... Our lives depend on it!
[Get the hell out of here, dogs!]
[Get away or I'll break your heads!]
What were they saying?
To them we're pagans... infidels.
They maintain that our parents have fornicated with animals.
We're not getting into an argument about that! What time is it?
- It's 7.40. - We're running out of time.
How do I handle the priest? Do I have to strangle him?
You figure it out, old boy!
It's funny... These pictures remind me of Venice.
And Venice reminds you of Bruges.
And Bruges reminds you of Amsterdam.
Say... who have you been with in Venice?!
Don't start being stupid!
I'd planned to do something with you, that was out of the ordinary.
- We'll go through there. - No, this is more interesting.
- Go on! - No.
I was in Venice with mummy!
Lise!
Come on... They've left.
Go on... I'm ready.
Off you go!
- I say, Lise...!! - Yes?
This is quite a honeymoon!
Fantastic!
Look, there's a ladder.
- Oh, gosh! - Keep going, Tony!
I need you to talk to me when I'm feeling dizzy.
- Talk about what? - It doesn't matter.
Over the past year I've told you everything.
What more do you want me to say?
- Please!... or I'm going to fall! - Well, alright then...
When I did military service with my friend Langlois...
...in the 14th regiment, one evening at the brothel in Lunéville...
Yes? Go on!
- Blankenberg. - Yes, of course.
Your Lunéville story is rather vulgar.
Take a look!
- You alright? - Yes... You hurry!
Antoine!
I've got it!
Lise! Let go!
Get down! Lise!
I'm hanging on!
- Climb higher! - We're too heavy!
We're going to crash into the mountain!
It's coming back... I'm getting dizzy again...
Antoine... tell me again...
...how it ended with Langlois at Lunéville!
I thought it was vulgar.
No, it's funny!
It's the Pochets!
I've never been so happy to see anyone before!
My dear colleague, thank you!
Thanks to you, I've wrapped up the case!
- You look in top form! - I've recovered!
I got back my badge, my gun and my intelligence!
There's one small detail that I haven't understood.
Why did you throw me out the train window?
My friends, since the age of Pericles...
...we are the first mortals to contemplate this marvel...
...in its entirety.
Charles-Hubert... what's the matter?
I've made history, Professor!
There, there, sweetie!
You didn't know that you were uncovering
a worldwide chain of art traffickers.
Von Schwartzenberg...
BLANKENBERG.
...was no more than a supplier to crazy billionaires.
And today...
...to paraphrase one of your intrepid fellow-countrymen...
...allow me to say that 25 centuries
gaze down upon you from this Aphrodite.
- Very nice. A pretty speech! - Charming.
Would you excuse me for a moment.
Excuse me.